My girl Otto and I finish an inordinate amount of conversations with 'Baby, I wish I had a penis! I love you!', because, you see, we are pretty much perfectly suited for each other in all arenas except one.
We are both, 100%, no doubt about it, committed fans of the disco stick.
Not that I haven't thought about it. Women are amazing. Beautiful. Lovely. Soft. Rarely hirsute. Don’t have awkward dangly bits. Well, except boobs. But boobs are nice! In theory the lady love is a grand plan, but when it comes right down to it, can I picture myself playing Tomb Raider? Nope. Definitely down with the dudes.
Cruel reality being that Victoria is a notoriously tough town for the single ladies. Well, those above university age at least. Once you hit the mid-to-late 20s most of the good guys have been annexed and it’s pretty much sit back and cross our fingers that some of them will become part of the 50% that end up cursing their ex’s name while rubbing self tanner in the pale flesh band where the ring once sat.
Not really ... but sort of.
All this to say that, for some inexplicable reason, I came across that ol’ time killer The Love Calculator today. Well, not so inexplicable. I Googled love to see what the number one hit was (Wikipedia, natch) and The Love Calculator was number two. Glad that the rest of the internet is stewing in their desperation juices too. Anywhoo ... It’s always worth a hope-destroying giggle, so I started calculating. Crushes. Former crushes. Dudes I thought that, with a few drinks in me, I might be able to conjure a crush on. Dude friends that I’d always thought, to quote a friend, must propagate by budding. You know, the ones you imagine as lump free as a Ken doll.
And I got bupkis.
Low end of the range 7%. High end 38%. Median in the range of 14%. Yeah, screw you too, Love Calculator.
So I threw in a couple of my best girls, just out of curiosity. And wouldn’t you know it, 72% and 79%.
I’m seriously thinking it might be time to re-watch Kissing Jessica Stein and High Art and reconsider matters.
Or maybe I shouldn’t put too much stock in an online love predictor. After all, it only gave me a 51% chance of loving myself. In fact, it says “....has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not.” So as long as I don't try to work out any ambidextrous ambitions I should be just fine.
xo ~ m
ps - now that I've probably horrified my one dedicated reader (72%!) by implying masturbation, I'll easy the agony by leaving you with the 80s' and 90s' greatest odes to self lady love.
Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
The Divinyls - I Touch Myself