Thursday, August 26, 2010

I'll Always Have She Bop

My girl Otto and I finish an inordinate amount of conversations with 'Baby, I wish I had a penis! I love you!', because, you see, we are pretty much perfectly suited for each other in all arenas except one.

We are both, 100%, no doubt about it, committed fans of the disco stick.

Not that I haven't thought about it. Women are amazing. Beautiful. Lovely. Soft. Rarely hirsute. Don’t have awkward dangly bits. Well, except boobs. But boobs are nice! In theory the lady love is a grand plan, but when it comes right down to it, can I picture myself playing Tomb Raider? Nope. Definitely down with the dudes.

Cruel reality being that Victoria is a notoriously tough town for the single ladies. Well, those above university age at least. Once you hit the mid-to-late 20s most of the good guys have been annexed and it’s pretty much sit back and cross our fingers that some of them will become part of the 50% that end up cursing their ex’s name while rubbing self tanner in the pale flesh band where the ring once sat.

Not really ... but sort of.

All this to say that, for some inexplicable reason, I came across that ol’ time killer The Love Calculator today. Well, not so inexplicable. I Googled love to see what the number one hit was (Wikipedia, natch) and The Love Calculator was number two. Glad that the rest of the internet is stewing in their desperation juices too. Anywhoo ... It’s always worth a hope-destroying giggle, so I started calculating. Crushes. Former crushes. Dudes I thought that, with a few drinks in me, I might be able to conjure a crush on. Dude friends that I’d always thought, to quote a friend, must propagate by budding. You know, the ones you imagine as lump free as a Ken doll.

And I got bupkis.

Low end of the range 7%. High end 38%. Median in the range of 14%. Yeah, screw you too, Love Calculator.

So I threw in a couple of my best girls, just out of curiosity. And wouldn’t you know it, 72% and 79%.

I’m seriously thinking it might be time to re-watch Kissing Jessica Stein and High Art and reconsider matters.

Or maybe I shouldn’t put too much stock in an online love predictor. After all, it only gave me a 51% chance of loving myself. In fact, it says “....has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not.” So as long as I don't try to work out any ambidextrous ambitions I should be just fine.

xo ~ m

ps - now that I've probably horrified my one dedicated reader (72%!) by implying masturbation, I'll easy the agony by leaving you with the 80s' and 90s' greatest odes to self lady love.

Cyndi Lauper - She Bop

The Divinyls - I Touch Myself

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

She's Got Superhuman Lips for Supersuction

She's got superpower hips for super reproduction.

Sufjan Stevens is so reliably earnest and heartfelt that when he busts out the irreverent it pretty much kills me.

Nothing to see here, but you get my drift, yeah?

Sufjan ... October 28th at The Commodore in Vancouver ... yes? Please? And also John Wayne Gacey Jr? Thanks, you're a peach.

Anywhoo ...

I didn't really sit down to write about Sufjan Stevens. I sat down to write about sexy. Which, yes, Sufjan absolutely is. Distractingly so at times.

But not the point.

My girl Otto and I have had many pj and coffee discussion about this over the past few weeks.  About, you know, what does it for us. It's ok, Mom, you can stop squirming. This isn't about sculpted abs and treasure trails. Not my steeze. I'll leave that to the girls on Bachelor Pad who, inexplicably, don't go into vajayjay lockdown at the sight of dudes with picklebutt walks in with embellished pocket jean.


So internets, I present to you ...

A Non-exhaustive List of Things That Make My Knees Go Squidgy
(in no particular order)

  • Passion - and no, I don't mean in-the-pants variety. Having something that you're super juiced on, that makes you lean in and talk too fast, or just a fantastically apparent sense of joi de vivre. 
  • Thoughtfulness - honestly, it really is the small stuff. Birthday flowers never mean as much as 'Hey, I know you're boss is being a douchbag this week, and I thought you could use something pretty' flowers. Tulips trump roses every time. Knowing this, and how I take my coffee ... oh la.
  • Kissing - this might be a gimme, but, back me up here, not all kissing is sexy. Sometimes it's awkward/sloppy/violating/please make it stop. A good kiss though ... and more specifically, the moment before the kiss. Take a moment before landing that bad boy. Whoooo, daddy.
  • Restraint - see above (also, restraints). 
  • Toques - this might be a Canadian thing, but toques do to me what male proximity to puppies / children does to breeder type girls. Elevates the ordinary to extraordinary. Especially if paired with ...
  • Scruffy weekend facial hair- c'mon. I realize this is veering into LL Bean porn, but I'm from a damp coastal climate and therefor conditioned to appreciate men in their outdoorsy hotness. Probably explains why I was so obsessed with Relic on The Beachcombers.
  • Mornings - ok, so take that scruffy Sunday face, add boyishly rumpled hair, drawstring pj bottoms, and delivering me coffee in bed, and I'm calling in fake sick to work for the next week.
  • Good phone voice - well, good voice generally. A manly voice. Don Draper voice. I have one friend who has such an off-the-charts sexy voice that I tend to lose the line on what he's saying, I get so lost in it. Man voice. Yep.
  • Cooking - I've always maintained that cooking is like fucking (sorry Mom). Done well it's totally instinctive. Books are great for ideas, but you need to have a sense of adventure. Men who are confident and at ease in the kitchen - and turn out an excellent meal - rare, but so, so tasty.
  • Wine / whiskey - Yes, beer is great, but for long, winding conversations, evenings on the beach/roof/in the park I have to go wine or whiskey. A slightly heady drunk, a mildly smokey kiss. Beer just doesn't cut it.
  • Humor - essential. And I don't mean big funny. I mean witty. Quick. Smart funny. Bring. It.
  • Forearms - there is a reason my imaginary boyfriend Hank is a fine furniture maker. Hand tools = beautiful forearms > bumpy abs. Any day.
  • Scars - love them. They're a map of personal history, charting out events, accidents, adventures. Best discovered under the covers. 
  • Blanket forts - really it's about a sense of playfulness, but I always think of blanket forts. If we're going to burn out and rent a movie, why not build a private fortress in the living room to watch it from?
  • Smelling good - and subtle. The best is when you only catch it when you're just getting into the hug. Oh man. I love something a little spicy, like Jo Malone Nutmeg and Ginger, but not going to lie, fresh laundry smell is pretty damn good too. It makes me want to hug you forever. 
  • A fantastic walk - A bad walk can kill the quiver. And a great walk can deliver. Colin Firth once walked (no, he strode) past me, and oh my god, I don't think it's topable. I get it, Bridget Jones. I get it. Man stride. Throw on an overcoat and I'll need a moment alone.
  • A sense of style - There are maybe three really well dressed men in Victoria. Not a sartorial town. And I don't mean in a $$ way. Men that know how to put it together. Yes please.
  • A tinge of ginge - I'm not talking full out Carrot Top here. But there's a reason Hank (the aformentioned imaginary boyfriend) is a cross between Josh Homme and Britt Daniel (with a dash of Matthew Fox, just for flava).
  • Articualteness - Boys, use your words. And punctuation. And please, please, work on the penmanship. It really sucks having to ask for an interpreter for cards and notes. 
  • Confidence - I could take my own advice here. It's true though. Confidence is hot. Not cocky though. A subtle confidence. 
  • Great taste in music/movies/art/literature - Obviously this is subjective, but I'm talking someone who isn't rocking the Top 40s on the way to Avatar. Throw down some Beach House and a few Oscar Wilde quotes. Please.
  • Not taking yourself too seriously -  I had this boyfriend who was super serious about being respected (not always all that reciprocated, though) and he had this whole theory about banishing people that he felt didn't deliver beyond the metaphoric moat, and they'd have to swim with the crocs to get back to the castle. My sisters and I call him Castle Asshole. Being able to chill out is important. 
Oh gosh, this non-exhaustive list is getting exhausting. It's by no means a checklist (though it would be nice if it could be). There are just so many little things that make a man (or woman, for that matter) sexy, beyond the physically obvious.

What about you? What makes your knees weak and composure crumble?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Hey Little Girl is Your Daddy Home?

I've had The Boss in my head all day. I'm on Fire specifically. Of course being the dirty little closeted hipster that I am my Bruce is only on vinyl. I wish I had a alphabetization fairy to sort my vinyl, because Born in the USA shouldn't take so damned long to find. My iPod has only (albeit fantastic)covers by Electrelane and Justin Veron - aka Bon Iver.

Tried to purge it with repeated listenings. No dice.

Quick aside - the Electrelane reference was about the only thing I really enjoyed about I Am Love. So wanted to love that movie.

Anywhooo ... Forced to resort to watching the stupendously cheesy original video. Several times.

There's a 'can get under my hood' joke in there somewhere. Ahhhh ... the working class 80's hotness of Springsteen.

Sweet plaid flannel dreams.

xo ~ m

* Sadly the webernigs was not forthcoming with Scruffy McBearderson's Drinking this Rain / I'm on Fire. Pretty danmed lovely though. Trust.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Studio M

Productive weekend. The craft room (hereafter refered to as the studio, in effort to convince myself there is an artist lurking round these parts) is slowly coming together. The closet shelving is installed, wall shelves stained and installed, bulletin board - despite several setbacks - Gigyvered together. Boxes are finally being upacked and contents finding homes. I still really want to make it a /darkroom, but it's a little overwhelming of a prospect, so for now it's all about arts and crafts. Pictures, and hopefully a few project how-to's, coming soon.

~ m
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